The Canada Health Act proscribes extra billing for “medically necessary” services; however, the meaning of this crucial phrase remains obscure and its interpretation is clouded by the societal trend to medicalize all aspects of our lives. But ambiguity smiles on creativity, and cash-strapped physicians may find opportunities to provide services before they are elevated to medical necessity, and for which extra billing may be allowed.
To illustrate, consider the newly opened Centre for Auditory and Melodic Recovery (CAMR). This is a very private institution dedicated to the advancement of cacophonology (the study of cochlear vibratory dysphoria), an experimental branch of medicine that has yet to be recognized by provincial medical billing schemes. This venture was inspired by the epidemic of casualties of industrial Muz*k. Such canned music comprises processed sound products from which the vital germ has been extracted, leaving only a husk of impotent rhythm and sterile assonance. Overexposure to these pathogenic strains may arise from careless lingering in department store elevators or hotel washrooms, leading to a restless foot syndrome (involuntary tapping) and pervasive emotional insensibility — the early signs of what is now recognized as deficiency of vitamin M, also known as musica appassionata or alimento di amore.
A severe form of cacophonopathology, metallicus gravis, has also been identified among many of the misguided souls who followed the siren of cultura popularis. Victims of metallicus gravis attend mass gatherings to participate in this form of auditory abuse, which employs sound to numb rather than to enhance awareness. In its later stages, patients demonstrate involuntary movement disorders, such as caput metallicus (headbanging), florid hemiballismus (air guitar syndrome) and precipitous projectile collapse (crowd surfing). Post-mortem findings include scarred cerebral gyri, which assume the texture of hard pebbles or rocks, diagnostic of dementia zeppelophilia plumbea. A related condition is black s*bbath excephalobaty (BSE), which features Ozzyform band degeneration and afflicts those who dismember flying rodents with their teeth.
A range of milder disorders involving psycho-acoustic distress have been identified. These include a variety of forms of cochlear burnout, ennui and stress-related audile malaise. Automated directory rage, for example, is precipitated by attempts to contact government offices followed by endless enumerated redirections. Repeated episodes may result in crippling phonic fatigue. Labyrinthine intussusception may result from attempts to understand the benefits of proposed health care reforms. Finally, classical musicians who “slum it” by jamming with exponents of popular music may incur the spiritual torments of highbrow-myalgia.