Given the current state of world politics, many more families
are exposed to disquieting news of wars and the possibility of
separation from loved ones. Going to war is the most serious
decision governments and societies make. The impact of such a
decision is acutely personal as well as social, affecting many
aspects of normal life patterns. Deployed military personnel face
talking to their children about why they have to leave, where
they are going, what they are going to do, risks associated with
their assignment, and how long they will be away. Emotions and
distress may run high because of the temporary loss of an
important family member.
Civilian parents
Even though they may not be facing separation from a parent,
children of civilians may have generalized concerns and fears.
Parents will need to respond to these concerns from children who
may be learning about war from media images or reports of ongoing
conflicts, or from other sources including friends and school.
Children may know someone who has a parent or loved one
participating in the conflict, and they may be concerned for that
person's safety. The everyday security of family life may be
challenged.
The stresses of war
Immediate stressors sometimes seem insurmountable, yet
families who respond well or learn from difficult times gain
strength for coping in the future. This appears to be the case
for children as well. The temporary loss of an adult, even in the
adverse conditions of a war, may be a challenge that improves
lifetime coping and adaptive skills if handled in a supportive
family atmosphere (Jensen & Shaw, 1996). Parents can teach
their children good listening and communication skills, respect
and support for differing opinions, and ways to manage fears and
anxieties by taking the time to listen, observe, and talk to
their children about what is happening around them.
Protecting children from undue fear
As adults, we can learn to talk to our children about war,
using language that is understandable, does not hide the truth,
and is consistent with values we want our children to learn.
However, it is important that we also take the time to discuss
and share our own concerns and fears with other adults, loved
ones, friends or counselors, so we are sure not to overburden our
children. Seeking social support from adults outside of the
family is one way to manage our own stress. We want to protect
children from unnecessary worries and concerns and provide them
with a sense of security and safety. Researchers have found that
parents who are able to handle disturbing, traumatic, or
conflicting issues can serve as an active buffer against undue
anxiety and distress for the child (Altshuler & Ruble,
1989).
Vulnerability to stress and risk factors
If children have experienced recent traumatic events in their
lives, including disasters or losses of any kind or difficulties
in school or with friends, they may be particularly vulnerable to
any changes in their sense of safety. Look for signs of increased
stress. (See below for ways of dealing with these reactions.)
Reactions to look for:
Increased irritability, difficulties being soothed
Tearfulness, sadness, talking about things that frighten
them
Anger toward people, targeting different ethnic or minority
groups
Increased agitation and fighting with others
Wakefulness at night, changes in sleep patterns
More clinging behaviors at home, not wanting to go to
school
Complaining about physical problems, wanting attention,
stomachaches, etc.
How do children understand what war means?
Children will vary in the ways they respond to war
A child's sense of morality grows and changes according to his
or her age and intellectual development. Even from ages 4, 5, and
6, children are developing a strong sense of what is right and
wrong and are learning how to solve interpersonal conflicts
without violence. The knowledge of war, seeing adults break those
rules, can violate and disturb their growing sense of fairness
and justice. Most children have concerns and fears about war, but
children whose parents are away on active duty may react
differently from civilian children or children whose parents are
in the reserves. Researchers have found that children with
parents on active duty tend to worry more and be afraid and sad.
Civilian children and reservists' children are likely to be
more concerned about issues of right and wrong (Ryan-Wenger,
2001).
The child's need for safety and support
During war, the safety and predictability of a child's social
and family worlds may be endangered. Children may have fears that
the parent or other loved family member who is deployed may die
in the war, and even if no close family member is affected, they
may still have a sense of threat to their safety (Ryan-Wenger,
2001). News of combat losses may be broadcasted in the media.
Younger children should be shielded from this kind of exposure as
much as possible, because it will needlessly increase their
apprehension of events they don't understand. Children should
also be assured that everything is being done to bring their
loved one home safely and to protect families at home.
Adolescents may be better able to comprehend these events, but
even they will need assurances and comfort.
War is not a game
Children may play at war, acting out the parts of heroes and
villains, and create good outcomes where the "bad guys" are
beaten. This does not mean that they are comfortable with or
understand real events. Children play best and most creatively
when they feel safe. When they feel real threats or the danger of
losing a parent, their play is more likely to be anxious and sad.
Play doesn't really give them the solutions or answers they need
for their fears and concerns. Children need adults who can
address those issues and help them work through their fears.
Pay attention to your child or teenager
Parents should pay attention to how their children are
playing. If games end with distressing emotions like sadness,
aggression, or heightened anxiety, help the child work out more
positive solutions. Make sure you are available for your
children. Helping them during this time will be more effective
than staying glued to hourly news accounts and bulletins during
the day. One researcher found that a service member's 3-year-old
expressed sadness that her mother watched television instead of
paying attention to her. She had to deal with the actual absence
of her dad in the war and the emotional absence of her mom at
home (Jensen & Shaw, 1996). Stay close to your child and be
observant of behavior that may express stress. Teenagers may deal
with anxiety by engaging in risky behavior.
How can adults best address the concerns of children?
Children need a real message about what is happening around
them. Above all, they need to be assured that adults will take
care of them as well as they can.
Talk about the war when you sense your child has
concerns
Take the time and the space to address this serious issue.
Remember that communication can only strengthen your family. Be
truthful and honest regardless of the age of your child, without
overburdening him or her. Children are very good at knowing when
things or issues are being hidden from them.
Use language that your children can understand
Children in different age groups will understand
differently. Thinking styles of very young children are
concrete and concerned with present everyday life, the safety
and happiness of their worlds, and the presence or absence of
loved ones. Preteens and adolescents will be developing more
abstract thinking about ideas and issues and concern for world
events.
Younger children may be confused by names of people and
places that mean little to them. They may need help in forming
basic ideas and understanding, and they will need help in
recognizing foreign names or places. Older children and
adolescents will be developing strong opinions they want
recognized as their own. They may hear ideas from their peers.
These ideas and feelings may be in agreement with their
families' opinions or directly opposed. Nevertheless, their
ideas and thoughts need to be heard and respected.
Talk about feelings
Encourage your children to freely express their concerns
and feelings. All children want to be included in family
matters, and they want to be listened to and understood. They
have ideas and feelings but may not know how to express them,
or how to resolve them. "If war is bad, why is mommy going to
war?" "If war is bad, why are we doing it?" "Is killing other
people ok?"
Don't be afraid to talk about your feelings, even if you
are conflicted or confused. If children know adults are being
honest and respectful to them, they will feel safer. Do the
best you can, even when you don't know all the answers.
If you are being deployed, take time to talk to your
children about your feelings, what you do on your military job,
and what you think of your job. Talk about your destination;
provide maps; help them know where you will be and arrange for
steady and frequent communication.
Make your child feel as secure as possible
Make your child feel as secure as possible without
distorting the facts. For example, you might say to a very
young child, "War is happening in another country, far away.
The children in that country must be very afraid right now, and
we need to send them our love and caring. But you are safe here
and we will take care of you." Or, "Your (dad, mom) will be
serving with men and women who will do the best job possible to
protect (him, her) and bring (him, her) home safely."
Cultivate a family atmosphere that is respectful
Cultivate a family atmosphere where different opinions are
respected, especially during an actual or potential war. Try to
look at and explain the points of view from all sides of a
conflict, and teach the importance of respect and negotiation.
Be sure that they understand that violence is not always the
best solution. Whether you are personally for or against war,
take the time to explain how democracy works. Explain the
importance in the adult world of respecting various points of
view, just as in your family, each person wants their opinion
to be respected and heard.
Explain why you agree or disagree with a decision to go to
war in terms your child can understand. For example: "I don't
like war, but it seems this is the best way to keep us safe,"
or "I understand why some people want to fight, but I believe
that the only way to peace is negotiation, not violence."
Provide reassurance about the future
Be hopeful about the future. "Yes these are hard times, but we
are hopeful that people will be able to overcome their
differences and live more peacefully in the future."
Helping children cope with war
Suggest ways that your children can participate in activities
that may decrease their fears and encourage positive and active
coping. Children identify with other children from other parts of
the world that they see on the news or in movies. They feel
threatened when those children may be harmed. Emphasize that
adults are doing all they can to avoid the harmful consequences
of war. It can help to point out activities of relief
organizations like the United Nations and Red Cross. Help
children get involved in aid to children in war-torn countries
through activities like fundraising, toy and clothes drives, and
letter writing. If you reinforce the values of caring adults and
communities, it will help offset the disturbing news of
war.
Limit exposure to news, especially when news is repetitive
and violent.
Don't ignore the subject. The chances are good that
your child knows something about there being a war. Do not
minimize your child's concerns or stressors. Many parents would
like to ignore the situation because thinking about war makes
them feel vulnerable and powerless to protect their
children.
Respect your child's timing and ability to cope and to
manage stress. Children from age 5 and up understand some
ways of coping (Curry & Russ, 1985). Help your children
develop and enjoy distracting activities. Very young children
may want to close their eyes or just go out and play. Don't
confront children or force them to talk about things when they
don't want to.
Suggest positive and creative ways of coping for older
children and adolescents. Children of deployed parents can
participate in creating scrapbooks and videos, and family media
can build family morale. For those against war, participating
in school discussions or even demonstrations may be helpful.
The opportunity to replace fears and concerns with active
coping and participation may have important consequences for
children's outcomes (Baker, 1990).
Keep an open door for the absent parent or loved one
(Frank, Shanfield, & Evans, 1981). Make sure you
communicate as often as possible, especially around important
dates like birthdays, accomplishments, etc. Talk about what it
will be like when that person returns and what it would be like
if they were here now. This is especially important for younger
children who may not understand why their loved one is not
here.
Seek out strength and support from your community,
religious affiliation, and schools. This may be a time to
strengthen cultural traditions, which can help you and your
child place disturbing events in a larger context. Schools can
help by assigning age appropriate readings pertinent to war and
holding classroom discussions (Koubovi, 1982). Keeping a sense
of social cohesiveness may help your family cope with the
stressors of war (Jensen & Shaw, 1996).
If stress becomes unmanageable, seek support from family
assistance centers and counselors available to your branch of
military service. They will understand and may direct you to
support groups that can help as well. It may be helpful for
children to talk in groups with other children whose parents are
deployed.
Children's Fiction
Myers, W. D. (2002).
Patrol, an American soldier in Vietnam. New York: Harper
Collins (ages 8-12).
Books and Articles
Altshuler, J., & Ruble, D. (1989). Developmental changes
in children's awareness for coping with uncontrollable
stress.
Child Development, 60, 1337-1349.
Baker, A.M. (1990). The psychological impact of the Intifada
on Palestinian children in the occupied West Bank and Gaza: An
exploratory study.
American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 60, 496-505.
Curry, S. & Russ, S. (1985). Identifying coping strategies
in children.
Journal of Clinical Child Psychology, 14, 61-69.
Frank, M., Shanfield, S., & Evans, H. (1981). The
in-and-out parent: Strategies for managing re-entry stress.
Military Medicine, 146, 846-49.
Handford, H., Mayes, S., Mattison, R., Humphrey, F., Bagnato,
S., Bixler, E., et al. (1986). Child and parent reaction to the
Three Mile Island nuclear accident.
Journal of the American Academy of Child Psychiatry, 25,
346-356.
Jensen, P., & Shaw, J. (1996). The effects of war and
parental deployment upon children and adolescents. In R.J. Ursano
& A.E. Norwood (Eds.),
Emotional aftermath of the Persian Gulf War: Veterans,
families, communities, and nations (pp. 83-110). Washington,
DC: American Psychiatric Press.
Koubovi, D. (1982). Therapeutic teaching of literature during
the war and its aftermath. In C.D. Spielberger, I.G. Sarason,
& N.A. Milgram (Eds.),
Stress and Anxiety, Vol. 8. (pp. 345-350). Washington, DC:
Hemisphere.
Ryan-Wenger, N.A. (2001). Impact of the threat of war on
children in military families.
American Journal of Orthopsychiatry, 71, 236-244.
Ursano, R.J. & Norwood, A.E. (Eds). (1996).
Emotional aftermath of the Persian Gulf War: Veterans,
families, communities, and nations. Washington DC: American
Psychiatric Press.