Trauma survivors with PTSD often experience problems in their
intimate and family relationships or close friendships.
PTSD involves symptoms that interfere with trust, emotional
closeness, communication, responsible assertiveness, and effective
problem solving.
Survivors may experience a loss of interest in social or
sexual activities, they may feel distant from others, and they
may be emotionally numb.
Partners, friends, or family members may feel hurt,
alienated, or discouraged because the survivor has not been able
to overcome the effects of the trauma, and they may become angry
or distant toward the survivor.
Feeling irritable, on guard, easily startled, worried, or
anxious may lead survivors to be unable to relax, socialize, or
be intimate without being tense or demanding. Significant others
may feel pressured, tense, and controlled as a result.
Difficulty falling or staying asleep and severe nightmares
may prevent both the survivor and partner from sleeping
restfully, which may make sleeping together difficult.
Trauma memories, trauma reminders or flashbacks, and the
avoidance of such memories or reminders can make living with a
survivor feel like living in a war zone or like living with the
constant threat of vague but terrible danger.
Living with an individual who has PTSD does not automatically
cause PTSD, but it can produce vicarious or secondary
traumatization, which is similar to having PTSD.
Reliving trauma memories, avoiding trauma reminders, and
struggling with fear and anger greatly interfere with a
survivor's ability to concentrate, listen carefully, and make
cooperative decisions. As a result, problems often go unresolved
for a long time.
Significant others may come to feel that dialogue and
teamwork are impossible.
Survivors of childhood sexual and physical abuse and survivors
of rape, domestic violence, combat, terrorism, genocide, torture,
kidnapping, and being a prisoner of war often report feeling a
lasting sense of terror, horror, vulnerability, and betrayal that
interferes with relationships.
Survivors who feel close to someone else, who begin to trust,
and who become emotionally or sexually intimate may feel like
they are letting down their guard. Although the survivor often
actually feels a strong bond of love or friendship in current
healthy relationships, this experience can be perceived as
dangerous.
Having been victimized and exposed to rage and violence,
survivors often struggle with intense anger and impulses. In
order to suppress their anger and impulsive actions, survivors
mayaboidaaa avoid closeness by expressing criticism toward or
dissatisfaction with loved ones and friends.
Intimate relationships may have episodes of verbal or
physical violence.
Survivors may be overly dependent upon or overprotective of
partners, family members, friends, or support persons (such as
healthcare providers or therapists).
Alcohol abuse and substance addiction, which can result from
an attempt to cope with PTSD, can destroy intimacy and
friendships
In the first weeks and months following a traumatic event,
survivors of disasters, terrible accidents or illnesses, or
community violence often feel an unexpected sense of anger,
detachment, or anxiety in their intimate, family, and friendship
relationships. Most are able to resume their prior level of
intimacy and involvement in relationships, but the 5-10% who
develop PTSD often experience lasting problems with relatedness and
intimacy.
Yet, many trauma survivors do not experience PTSD, and many
people in intimate relationships, families, and friendships with
individuals who have PTSD do not experience severe relational
problems. People with PTSD can create and maintain successful
intimate relationships by:
Establishing a personal support network that will help the
survivor cope with PTSD while he or she maintains or rebuilds
family and friend relationships with dedication, perseverance,
hard work, and commitment
Sharing feelings honestly and openly with an attitude of
respect and compassion
Continually strengthening cooperative problem-solving and
communication skills
Including playfulness, spontaneity, relaxation, and mutual
enjoyment in the relationship
What can be done to help someone who has PTSD?
For many trauma survivors, intimate, family, and friend
relationships are extremely beneficial. These relationships
provide:
(1) Companionship and a sense of belonging, which can act as an
antidote to isolation
(2) Self-esteem, which can act as an antidote to depression and
guilt
(3) Opportunities to make a positive contribution, which can
reduce feelings of failure or alienation
(4) Practical and emotional support when coping with life
stressors
As with all psychological disturbances, especially those that
impair social, psychological, or emotional functioning, it is best
to seek treatment from a professional who has expertise in both
PTSD and in treating couples or families. Many therapists with this
expertise are members of the International Society for Traumatic
Stress Studies, whose membership directory contains a geographical
listing and an indication of those who treat couples or families
and PTSD. Survivors find a number of different professional
treatments helpful for dealing with relationship issues, including
individual and group psychotherapy for their own PTSD, anger and
stress management, assertiveness training, couples communication
classes, family education classes, and family therapy.
Suggested Readings
John N. Briere and Diana M. Elliott. (1994). Immediate and
long-term impacts of child sexual abuse.
Future of Children 4(2), 54-69.
Rebecca Coffey. (1998). Unspeakable truths and happy endings:
Human cruelty and the new trauma therapy. Sidran Press, ISBN
1-886968-04-7 or 1-886968-05-5.
Patience Mason. (1990). Recovering from the war: A woman's guide
to helping your Vietnam vet, your family, and yourself. Viking,
ISBN 0-670-81587-X; Penguin, ISBN 0-14-009912-3.
Aphrodite Matsakis. (1996). Vietnam wives: facing the challenges
of life with veterans suffering post traumatic stress. Sidran
Press, ISBN 1-886968-00-4.
