Joann

I felt broken and damaged, so sensibly what I wanted was to get “fixed” and feel normal again. I went to the Women’s Trauma Recovery Program in search of a desperately needed solution. I wanted my life back -- they way it was before the night I was incomprehensibly raped, robbed and then raped again.

This was going to be the answer to all of my problems; I was so sure of it, it had to be. There I was, spending the anniversary month of my rape in a hospital environment for the third consecutive year since the assault. Hope was hanging by a slim piece of thread. I was exhausted and it was constantly tempting to just let go . . . fall, and stay fallen.

I explained to the Team what my expectations were of the program. They replied by telling me PTSD was incurable, yet it would be a great opportunity for me to learn how to manage my symptoms and focus on some trauma work. I immediately thought, “Are these people high?” But, I had selective hearing going on that lead me to only hear the words: incurable, PTSD and trauma work. What was said afterwards was drowned out by these few, but gripping terms.

The thought of having to live the rest of my life with PTSD was incredibly haunting. I questioned whether it would be a pointless venture and quickly came to the conclusion I would go home within the first few weeks of treatment.

Well, one week turned into three months. The thought of leaving and giving up occurred numerous times throughout, especially whenever the intensity heightened and seemed overwhelming.

I’m exceptionally proud of myself for making the choice to stay. I chose to be committed versus just being involved, and the payoff was three unforgettable months with some of the most remarkable and genuine people I have ever met in my life.

The Women’s Trauma Recovery Program entails mandatory recreation therapy. Twice a week, fueled by rage, I ran 2 ½ miles non-stop. The irony of transforming livid energy to something encouragingly constructive, all within half an hour, still amazes me to this day. The swimming, once a week, helped to decrease my anxiety low enough for some “quality” sleep, thank God. During free time, I played tennis. The opportunity to play in a protected environment was relieving.

Funny, during high school and military PE, I wasn’t very fond of running. Just the thought of it hurt my legs. I loved to work out, but when it came to running, I was the one most likely to hide behind a tree, jump in on the last lap, and pretend to have completed the required mile or two. I was elated to find myself being ecstatic about fitness again, because 2 ½ miles, non-stop, was a definite milestone for me.

My self-esteem and energy level soared. I looked and felt unbelievably healthier. Recreation therapy was one of the most relevant factors in the effectiveness of my treatment and it lead to many more accomplishments, both big and small.

The most difficult obstacle I went through was the combination of trauma work and self-defense. I thought I would fall apart. I wasn’t confident enough to believe I could handle it, yet I faced all of my worst triggers head-on. I struggled like hell. I felt the rage, the fear, and what appeared to be unbearable hurt. The feelings eventually passed and surprisingly, I did not fall apart. It’s unbelievable how much fear can dictate life, when you let it.

I honored and validated my experience through focus. I found a voice that had been dormant for too long. The most valuable and priceless lesson I’ve learned is probably the importance of being heard. It was the first time I talked about my rape since the investigation. The first time, I felt secure enough to tell my story, which eventually lead to the revelation of an abusive relationship I endured after the trauma. Everything was finally starting to make sense. No wonder I was so frustrated with everyone who I felt couldn’t understand, it never occurred to me I was dwelling in the darkness of my own denial.

By the third month, although it accompanied lingering old ones, I had a new perspective. There I was and here I am, willing, accepting, feeling, and living all at the same time. Being educated was key to creating options and to take power out of the fear. I can’t emphasize enough how much of a difference it makes to know you have options, to not feel “forced.” I’m sure the healthy diet and finally being on the right meds didn’t hurt either.

You only get what you put into the program. And if you ask me, WTRP is the crème bru lei of programs. The support system you get is real. The Team’s dedication and commitment to their work is evident. I don’t know how to explain it; I just know I’m eternally grateful for the experience and I’m hoping that more women will come forward to take full advantage of it, and to do it early on.

Life will always throw those inevitable curve balls; it’s when you decide to swing regardless that makes the difference. Who says you can’t hit a home run?