22                               SASSEBO                         [Ctt n
offering me their services, trying to induce me to eat and drink, to cheer me up, I could not help noticing that only by a great effort of will did they succeed in controlling their features from dissolving into radiant smiles.
Yes, that was a day of great rejoicing for the whole of Japan! Everybody was so happy, so brimming over with exultation, that this happiness could not contain itself, and found vent in every trifling utterance, in every gesture and glance. . . . And the source of their exultation was our annihilation.
If but one of them had dared to evince his glee openly in my presence whatever, I think I would be able to clench my teeth in his throat till they would have met there. But all were so affable, so tenderly considerate. . . . And how awfully sickening this was. . . .
They wished to carry me to the operating ward on a stretcher, but, for some reason, I conceived an offence in this intention, and declared that I would go there by myself. A senseless, ridiculous protest (some will say, a silly whim), but I wouldn't (do you understand? I would not) appear helpless and in need of compassion from people whom I hated with all my soul, and upon whom I had sworn revenge, dire and terrible.