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James Garbarino, PhD
Maude C. Clarke Chair in Humanistic Psychology Loyola University
Chicago
All children—boys and girls—are born physically aggressive. Most children learn to suppress or displace that aggression so that by the time they are adults, it is relatively rare that they are violent. How does this happen? Two forces appear to be particularly important: ideas about aggression ("cognitive structuring") and experiences that model aggression or alternative behaviors ("behavioral rehearsal").
Boys often face powerful pro-aggression influences in both of these domains. Culture "tells" them that aggression is good in many circumstances (for example, in defending themselves or others from attack) and "understandable" in others (for example, when one is simply frustrated). Boys have to learn to sort out these messages.
Families are important in this process. For example, parents who wrestle with their sons are teaching them important lessons about "the rules of engagement" when it comes to physical aggression. On the other hand, if boys are placed in situations that are emotionally arousing without strong adult controls, they are likely to get practice in behaving aggressively. Over time, this practice can become ingrained.
Schools are important social settings in which both cognitive structuring and behavioral rehearsal related to aggression takes place. In school, teachers, administrators and other staff can help students learn when and where aggression is and is not acceptable. They can also give students experiences in modeling non-aggressive, inclusive behavior. Unfortunately, bullying is one outcome that can occur when children are not given effective ways to communicate messages of non-violence and provide experiences of non-aggressive social interaction.
WHAT CAN PARENTS DO?
- they can reduce or eliminate their own aggressive behavior towards their children so that they won't be modeling aggression.
- they can provide consistent (but non-physical) consequences for aggressive behavior that their children do exhibit.
- they can be open to information from other people (such as counselors, teachers or coaches) about their child's behavior. Getting a second opinion is often very useful in making sense of a child's behavior.
- they can remember that patterns of aggressive belief and behavior tend to crystallize around age eight. Prior to that aggression is quite changeable; after that it gathers momentum. Parents should not excuse early aggression as "just a phase," but rather pay attention to it as an early warning of what can happen if they don't intervene.
  James Garbarino, PhD is Maude C. Clarke Chair in Psychology at Loyola University Chicago. He is the author of And Words Can Hurt Forever: How to Protect Adolescents from Bullying, Harassment, and Emotional Violent and Lost Boys: Why Our Sons Turn Violent and How We Can Save Them.
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